What Will It Take?

Yesterday, after reading my last blog post, my BF asked me, “What will it take for you to be happy, Rachel? More money? A different job?”

My response, “No, although more money would be really nice… (pause for jumbled thoughts)… I don’t know what would make me happy.”

In that moment, my answer was true… I didn’t know what would make me happy. All my thoughts were running around frantically inside my head, my mind attempting to filter and sort them into making sense. (My thoughts and feelings run rampant and out of control all day. It’s a bit like herding cats. My mind is exhausted, overworked, and demanding a pay increase. This causes a delay in coherent response time.) Ha!

Upon waking this morning, his question was still foremost in my thoughts, and now I have a better answer.

I think I would be happier if I liked myself more… if I could silence that mean Voice, and listen to the kind Voice more often, the One that tells me I am smart, beautiful, brave, loved, enough …

I think I would be happier if I enjoyed how I spend my time… if I could change my perspective about work and play, and the significance of balancing both in my life…

I think I would be happier if I made prayer and gratitude a priority every morning… if I could be disciplined enough to honor waking up 30 minutes earlier than normal, and purposefully set my intentions for the day in a positive direction…

I think I would be happier if I remembered to show kindness and compassion to myself when it feels like I have failed… as a mom, girlfriend, friend friend, employee, entrepreneur, human being…

Maybe that is what my Self has needed all along… to be shown the kindness and unconditional love and acceptance I have craved my whole life.

I think that is what everybody craves and needs, especially from themselves.

I crave unconditional love and acceptance the same as everyone else. Do I always recieve that from another person? No. We are human, dealing with human drama, attempting to resist our own internal programming, or unconsciously playing it out over and over again everyday.

But… I can support myself in this way when I need it.

And… I can practice vulnerability by sharing these needs with my amazing BF, my co-regulator. This provides me with an opportunity to act opposite of my “robot” programming, and him an opportunity to offer unconditiional love and acceptance by holding the feelings with me, (which he is really quite good at doing… his programming is whatever is considered the opposite of “robot.” If our hearts had gates, his is always open and mine is rusted shut, but every time I practice the principles I’ve been learning in counseling and through my own reading, it is like applying WD-40 to the hinges.)

Anyway. To sum up all this rambling…
* Be good to yourself.
* Show yourself the kindness, compassion, and acceptance your soul desperately needs.
* Read Brene Brown’s book, “The Gifts of Imperfection.” Haha! But seriously… read it.

Shine On, my friends

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