It was a long week… a brutally long, sad, achy, fevered week. (I actually had a high fever and a head ache all week. Not awesome.) I don’t mean to say this in a complainy way, because that isn’t what I’m feeling. I’m not feeling whiny at all. I’m just… FEELING. This whole week was a squirrely ball of angsty, angry, pissed off, sad, frustrated, “WTF is going on here”. It feels a little like loss, too. But why? What am I grieving? Have you ever felt this way? It’s like an overwhelmingness inside. (Totally just made up a new word. Feel free to use it and pass it along.)
My heart and my head keep tossing this ball of crazy emotions back and forth:
Heart: (tosses ball to head) “Here. This feels like too much. It’s making me cry. You deal with it.”
Head: (quizzically studies swirling ball of emotions) “I don’t know what to make of all this emotional bullshit. I make sense of things, and this I do not understand.” (throws ball back to heart)
Heart: (doubled over in agony) “Too. Much. Feels. Make it stoooop!”
Round and round it goes… the emotional game of “Hot Potato.”
Typically, I just stuff this kind of thing way, way down and ignore it. Somewhere in my past, I learned that emotions are fickle, irrational, untrustworthy, illogical, and must be silenced, because being an emotional person is weakness.
“If you become emotional, you’ll look like a basket case.”
“You can’t base a decision on a ‘feeling’ because feelings don’t matter. Make a list of ‘Pros’ and ‘Cons’ and THEN decide.”
“Logic and reason trump feelings and emotions.”
“Listening to your feelings is hippie-dippy baloney.”
How other people have responded to my feelings in the past has dictated a lot about how I handle my emotions. Most of the time, they stay inside, I put on my happy face, and nobody knows the depth of chaos tumbling around inside of me. It makes me want to EXPLODE. I have been this way for YEARS.
Hence the complete mental and emotional breakdown of a few years ago. (You can read about that here, if you desire.) The lid on the can of emotional springy worms wouldn’t stay shut any longer!
I’m getting better, though. Counseling has helped a lot. My shaman studies have helped a lot, too. I am more aware of my emotional state now. I’ve been learning how to allow the feelings to come up to my conscious awareness, say “hello,” and release them back into the wild. It is amazing how the simple act of acknowledging my feelings diffuses all the crazy energy around them, and allows them to simply float away.
Sometimes it isn’t that easy, though. Sometimes those bloody feelings are so strong, they stick around for a while and cause all kinds of drama, and leave me feeling weary. That’s when I write.
There is something so powerful about writing things down. You don’t even have to be an eloquent writer. You simply begin scribbling down everything that’s weighing on your soul, and soon the flood gates open, and all the energetic sludge is poured out of you onto the paper, and you feel lighter… happier… freer.
Next, ceremoniously burn that paper. Burn it to ashes!
Now we’ve come full circle… “Why, my soul, are you discouraged? Why so disturbed within me?”
I don’t really know, but “I will put my hope in God!”
I will give thanks and remember what’s true… I am a loving being, and my purpose is joy, right here in this moment.
My friends, looking our feelings in the face isn’t easy, not at all, but it is necessary for our good health. Not just our emotional health, but our mental and physical health as well. All that energy we stuff and ignore becomes heavy and clogs up the flow of life force energy within us. It sits inside us and causes pain and illness in our minds, hearts, and bodies.
Spring is right around the corner. I’m going to do some “Spring Cleaning” and let go of the junk that weighs my heart down. I’m going to get back to the magic of living… the wonder and awe and adventure that is my amazing, creative life! You should join me. (You’ll feel better for it!)
Hatun Munay! Great Love, to all my friends.